Summer Grove Baptist Church

The Truth about Lying

Deception is a term we use to describe a number of kinds of dishonest words or actions. Lying is only one piece of the bigger puzzle. Some people define lying as saying something that is not true, but we believe lying has more to do with the intent of the speaker. The person who reports inaccurate information is just mistaken unless he intends to deceive. We believe that lying is best defined this way:

Lying is stating something, either written, oral, or with other signals, with the intent to mislead.

In other words, lying has two components: 1) a statement of one kind or another, and 2) the intent to mislead.

If your son says, “There are no more chocolate chips,” to deceive you because he wants to sneak some into his backpack, then he’s lying. If he says, “There are no more chocolate chips,” as a joke because you need another cup for the cookies and he is teasing you, that’s okay as long as he’s just playing a game. Children need to understand the difference between these two types of scenarios and realize that they can’t change their minds about the intent after they say the words.

This brings us to an interesting problem. Sometimes when children are caught lying they will say, “I was just joking,” or “I didn’t really mean it.” They know that this would be a viable excuse. Children need to understand that the difference between joking and lying has to do with intent and with whether or not they are believed. We need to be careful when we tease or joke. If you have a problem with lying in your home you may want to discontinue that kind of teasing for a while.

This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Anger in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teaching Children When You Mean Business

When we teach parents to avoid responding to their children in anger we get a common reaction: “But my kids won’t obey unless I get angry.”

And you’re probably right, but only because you’ve taught your children to wait until you’re angry before they have to obey. You give your kids cues to know when you mean business. Those cues tell your child that it’s time to respond because your action point is coming next.

There is a definite connection between action point and anger. Many parents use the energy from anger to finally take action. When parents learn to tighten up their action point, then they don’t have to use anger as the motivator. In fact, anger can often be a flag that your action point isn’t tight enough.

If you find that you’ve relying on anger to motivate your children, then it’s time to make a change. First, though, you need to develop a new plan. What signals do you want to use to indicate that it’s time to clean up, or it’s time to go? Maybe you’ll use the child’s name and obtain eye contact and use the word “now” in the instruction.

When you’re ready to make the change, talk with your children. Explain that you have been wrong in teaching them to wait until you get angry before they start obeying. From now on you are going to tell them once, then comes the action. If your child doesn’t respond to the new cues then move right to a consequence.

You may use a warning at first as your children are learning to respond to new cues. This helps them see that you mean business, but don’t add several warnings or you defeat the purpose. Develop a routine with your kids so that they know when discussion or delays are over and obedience is required.

We don’t encourage parents to always demand obedience. Children also learn from negotiation, compromise, and cooperation, but there is a time for children to respond whether they like it or not. Your kids need to know when that is and clarifying your action point will help them learn it.

This idea was taken from the CD series, “Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting,” by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. You can also learn about an Action Point by reading the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids.

Anger Confuses Correction

A good correction routine teaches children that they must change. Their current course of action will not work. It’s unacceptable and needs adjusting. Unfortunately the clear message that the child has a problem and needs to work on it is sometimes missed because of parental anger. A parent’s harshness can confuse the learning process. Instead of thinking, “I’m here taking a Break because I did something wrong,” the child thinks, “I’m here taking a Break because I made Mom mad.”

The child’s focus changes from correcting what he or she did wrong to avoiding parental anger. It’s important to remember that your anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them. When you’re tempted to respond harshly, be careful to take a moment and think about what you need to teach in the situation. It’s easy to react with anger when your kids do the wrong thing but it’s more helpful to move into a constructive correction routine.

For example, Dad yells, “I’ve had it! I called you five times and you didn’t come, so I’m not taking you to the party!” The child gets a mixed message. Is missing the party the consequence for not coming when called, or is it the consequence for making Dad angry?

Children who grow up with explosive parents learn to focus more on pleasing people than on living with convictions about right and wrong. They may learn to make changes in life, but not because they’re determined to do what’s right. Rather, they make changes to avoid upsetting people; they become people pleasers or just plain sneaky. Kids then believe that what they did was okay as long as Mom or Dad didn’t find out. As long as no one gets angry, then there’s no problem.

When you make a mistake and correct in anger, it’s important to come back to your child and talk about it afterwards. Clarify what was wrong, why the consequence was given, and apologize for your harshness.

For more on correcting children, read chapter four in the book, “Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids,” by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. For more information about building a strong and effective correction routine in your family consider the Heart Work Training Manuals and CDs. These manuals are used for in-depth training of parents both for individual study and also for mentoring others. You can learn more at www.biblicalparenting.org.